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SIGURADONG DI NYO ALAM KUNG PANO PUMASOK SA ROOM..KUNG MAG HASH ERROR ANG FLASH CAHTT..PWEDE NYO LOG IN GAMIT USERNAME NYO MISMO AT PASSWORDS..CLICK NYO LANG ANG NASA BABA NG NEWA/ANNOUNCEMENT..MAKIKITA NYO YAN PAGBUKAS NYO NG PAGE NYO..SEEE YA ALL IN THE ROOM..

A very long vacation has been taken by my shrink. My file is in his briefcase, so I don't know what to think. But if I'm schizophrenic, it's a trial I can weather. I'm in the best of company when I'm alone together. Oh, I admit that sometimes I find myself a bore. Especially when I tell me jokes that I have heard before. But ordinarily I find that I am quite a guy. I really like to be with me, and what's more, so do I.

heard about an older, widowed lady. This energetic woman loved to dance but underneath her rapture something shady had sought the Doctor, such was circumstance. "It isn't all that serious", she told him, "but every time I dance with male friends, if I should snuggle close to one, and hold him, I break wind as my body twists and bends". "It's not so bad - they're never ever smelly. They don't make any noise that you can hear, but I am so embarrassed. If my belly is ailing, are there pills to ease my fear?" The doctor said "I'll give you this prescription. Two pills each night. Come back in ten more days". He smiled at her and finished his transcription. Days later she was back with anguished phrase - "Doc. what was in those pills? The floor was clearing last night because the sound was loud as hell!" He answered "Great! The pills have fixed your hearing. And now to just regain your sense of smell!"

The ladies of Cow Creek decided they should learn First aid Since Mrs. Johnson's Husband cut his foot off with a spade She saw the poor old bugger fall and thought it was his heart Then killed him jumping on his chest, trying to make it start So they formed themselves a First Aid Club and hired out a Hall Which needed a little fixing up, so t'was I who got the call Being the local Handyman, and I have a hammer as proof! I turned up during their meeting to fix the shingles on the roof I set the ladder up, dropped my hammer in it's sheath And with a tube of super-glue clenched between my teeth I grabbed my trusty nail gun and climbed to the highest rung And it was "round about this time that the trouble all begun 'Cause a bloody magpie swooped me, and when I went to duck I bit down on that super-glue, and my lips and teeth got stuck I grabbed the nail gun and tried to shoot the magpie dead But the bloody thing backfired and shot two nails into my head I grabbed the hammer and pulled them out, I was gradually growing madder When I slipped and lost my footing on that rotten, bloody ladder But I landed on the grass, which was soft from rainy weather My head was hurting something fierce, and my mouth was stuck together But other than that I was pretty good, I'd only hurt my pride When the Cow Creek Lady's First Aid Club came tearing on outside I tried to move my lips and tell them that I was alright But they saw the puncture marks in my head and someone screamed "SNAKE BITE!!" I felt a pang of panic, a sense of fear and dread, As they applied the pressure bandages tightly round my head Then one old girl suggested that to keep the poison in check That they apply a bloody tornique around my flamin' neck! I tried to fight them off, but they had splinted all my limbs I couldn't see, I couldn't scream, so I started humming hymns Then I thought my prayers were answered when I heard one of them call "Let's chuck him in the ute and cart him off to hospital!" But t'was then I learnt the terror of being dumb and blind As whoever was driving managed to hit every pot hole she could find I stiffened with the jerks and bumps as I was tossed about "Gawd! He's having a fit!" one lady screamed, "we better take his kidney out!" I thrashed like a dying lizard as I heard them draw the blade Tried to knock myself unconscious, as the incision was swiftly made "Ohh!" she squealed, "Look at his lungs, and his liver has started to rot! Oh, well, while we've got him open then we'd best remove the lot!" By this stage I was passing out and glad to, I must say When someone called, "Slap him 'round the head, don't let him pass away!" T'was then I swore on the grave of the bloke who built our local pub That if I lived it would be to seek revenge on this bloody First Aid Club! But for now I just preferred to die, dance the old St. Vitas Dance When someone started cutting up the left leg of my pants That morning I'd used green paint on the fence and hadn't had time to clean "Gawd! look at his leg!" an old girl screamed, "I think he's got gangrene!" I screamed the silent scream of the dead as they started the amputation While other old girls fished round in my guts performing their operations Vasectomies, appendasectomies, and I couldn't even shout Then the Vet's wife started desexing me, and that's when I passed out Well, I came to in the hospital, or at least what was left of me did When I saw the damage these old girls had done, I near on flipped my lid! But the bloke in the bed beside me, he was looking even sadder He said, "What happened to you mate, I replied "I fell off a ladder!" We were both missing vital organs, and the odd, occasional limb But at least they'd prised my lips apart, so I asked what happened to him He said he was happily walking home from a quiet night at the Pub When a Ute load of women ran him down and then stopped to fix him up So, I finally left the Hospital, minus half my guts A new prosthetic leg and a pair of synthetic nuts And a promise that if I got sick, I'd drink myself to death in the pub Before putting myself in the hands of the Cow Creek Lady's First Aid Club!

He walked into a bar, sat his frame upon a stool, Said to the barman, "Just give me anything that's cool! I'll have a Scotch, a Rum, a double Gin and a quart of beer. I need something to ease the pain, to stop me feeling queer." The barman put the drinks upon the bar and shook his head, "This kinda drinkin' will make you sick. You may even wake up dead!" "Don't talk to me about being dead," the stranger said with a groan, "I've just got out of hospital and I should be headin' home! I'll have this jolt and then I'll bolt, but let me tell you what I should not be drinking this, well, not with what I've got!" The barman looked sympathetic as he wiped the bar with a mop. "Gee, I hope it's not too bad," he said, "So tell me what have you got?" The stranger downed the drinks real fast, said, "Set em up again, 'Tis terrible and it's rotten......Just what I've got, my friend!" The barman leant much closer, feeling sad and tense. The stranger belched and said, "What I've got......is FIFTY CENTS"

Dear Lord, we ask you if you will, put your blessing on this meal. We ask you Father, if it pleases, protect us from these new diseases. Please bless the spinach, and the romaine. And cleanse it of some lurking ptomaine. God, bless our ice cream and our cola. Pray it's not teaming with ebola. And pray the deli didn't sell us coleslaw ripe with salmonellus. We also ask a special blessing; no botulism in the dressing. While we regard your higher power, make sure the deviled eggs aren't sour. And please Lord, bless our sirloin tip, and purge it of E. Coli's grip. A special blessing on the sherry, oh Lord, we need no dysentery, so it not poisons, nor impacts, or liquefies our lower tracts. And Lord, make sure no one is able to get sick and die upon this table. So bless, Lord, all this food we share. Insure no deadly virus there. And once we're full and satiated, we pray we aren't all contaminated, and wind up just another toll, for the Center for Disease Control. One last thing Lord, if it's OK, Please hold this blessing that we pray. For all this fear, and all this fright, has made us lose our appetite.

They may go down in history for their gigantic size. I may exercise until I hurt, but still, like lard, my thighs! Does their chubbiness delight you? Must you laugh like you were smashed? 'Cause I walk like I've got saddlebags That are surgically attached. Just like yeasty rising dough expanding to twice its size, all dimpled, white and jiggly: Ugh! My thighs! Would you rather see me slender, with my legs so long and lithe and a shapely turn of ankle? Believe me, so would I! Does their wide girth make you giggle? You shouldn't laugh so hard, 'cause it looks like you are stowing baggage in your own backyard. I may try liposuction or diet until I die. I may do step aerobics, but still, so fat, my thighs! Are you humored by the friction of the rubbing of my thighs? Do you fear I'll start combusting right before your very eyes? Peeking out from the edge of cut-off shorts: My thighs Flaring up from calves that look like storks: My thighs I'm a beached whale, washed in by the tide. Stuck in the mud, 'cause my rear end's too wide. Leaving behind dreams of corduroy, My thighs Soft talcum powder - their only joy, My thighs These are the genes my ancestors gave: stout trunks that take many hours to shave. My thighs My thighs My thighs!

Who did you say you were? King of the world! Oh, I'm so sorry sir You're no longer of any use here Jake the fake with the extra leg Stalker with a stalk You see; We've got huge frozen vats Of liquid nitrogen And lovely glass test tubes And we can breed x's And dress them in little Pink flowery pantsuits Make them all with golden tresses There will be no more y's No more men and no more boys Haven't you noticed for 30 years We've been freezing your balls?

I left the city a while back now and came to the mountain top, I parked me combie in the main street, and said, "Yeah, this is where I'll stop". I'll be seventy-five next birthday, a woman who dives into life, I missed the hazy hippy years, I think I was someone's wife. I've changed the way I wear me clothes, no granny prints for me, A sarong and sandals will do me fine, and dreadlocks wild and free. I've dispensed with wearin' undies 'cause I want to explore meself, I burnt the bra long ago and put me bloomers on the shelf. So, I came up to this magical place to practice me feminine wiles, I'll not dwell on the years gone past or the fact that I've got piles. So I sat in a sidewalk café sipping on herbal tea, I saw him comin' a long way off and shook me dreadlocks free. I drew the sarong up above me knees, I know he saw me fringe, 'Cause he sat right down in front of me, and said, "My spiritual name is Quinge", I said, "I'm a mountain woman. Are you a mountain man?", A grin split his face from ear to ear and we began to make a plan. He said, "I think you're very sexy", and me fringe began to flutter, "So when shall we get down to it?" was all that I could utter. "With or without sugar?", he stirred his tea and asked of me, "With or without teeth?" I said, my thoughts advanced, you see. He seemed shocked at my direct reply but I call a spade a spade, "If you intend to play around with me you'd better sharpen ya blade." So Quinge and me got on with it, I taught him a trick or two, Over fifty don't mean a thing, I know just what to do, Wisdom and experience, no games and no bullshit Is what the years have taught to me and now I'm full of it. Yeah, I'm just a mountain woman who has a lot of life to live, I'm just a mountain woman with a lotta love to give.

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